Langst One Shots
by a-spoopy-bird
Summary: My Langst. Chapters vary drastically. Some will be like five lines other several 'pages' long. Some warnings: i do a lot of gore/blood, and also suicide thoughts/suicide/self harm. No stone is left unturned. I think Ill post warnings before each one because i dont want to set off anyones triggers or anything.
1. Chapter 1

**LANGSTWHYNOTs FIC(it was for langstwhynot on tumblr and my tumblr died so here i am)**

 **Blood warning, terrorist attack warning, death warning. (dont get used to warnings you should expect stuff like that from me)**

Keith glanced over. Lance was sitting on the couch, scrolling through presumably Instagram with his headphones in. He had gotten the idea to take Lance out to the movies for their one year. He wasn't a sentimentalist, don't get it wrong, but he felt that Lance would appreciate it if Keith showed he remembered to do something besides just make eggs in the morning.

"Hey, babe." Keith said. When Lance ignored him, he raised his voice.

"Oh shit, what's up?" He asked.

"What movie do you want to see? Mothman 3, Santa Monica, or they're rerunning John Wick."

"Mmmh. Which John Wick movie?"

"The first."

"Eh, that one kinda sucked. What was Santa Monica about? A shooting?"

"No that's Jamestown. Santa Monica was about the kid who went to school with a bomb but didn't blow it up."

"Didn't she have like, enough explosive power to destroy that entire part of the city?"

"No, that was Eastwall. He was just a copycat wishing for attention."

Lance nodded. "Yeah, let's see that one. I don't want to get emotional during Mothman 3."

Keith rolled his eyes. He knew Lance wasn't joking. They had gone to the premiere or Mothman 2, and he cried like a baby at the end. "Okay, two tickets for Santa Monica at seven."

"Oh man, that means I need a shower." Lance groaned. He flopped back on the couch, still keeping a steady hum of solid _ugh._

"Come on, Lance, just do it. You'll be in there for two hours anyways."

Lance groaned louder as he got up and went to get around for his shower.

*magic time skip for a lazy author bc all keith did was change into his green day shirt and get shoes on*

"Green Day?" Lance asked when he came out into the living room.

"It was this or Pierce the Veil."

"Nice to know you're the real Keith. No one else could be that emo and still adorable."

Keith blushed as Lance walked out of the room. He still wasn't used to how he would seem to start a fight, but it was actually a compliment. Not in a creepy abusive way, but an endearing way. Keith knew how much Lance truly loved him, and how the insults were just habit from when he was intimidated.

Keith still held that over Lance.

"It's about four now, we have three hours until the movie." Keith looked up from his phone. "Wanna go to that one bakery on South and Main?"

Lance's eyes lit up. "You bet," he grabbed his jacket, hardly containing a grin. Keith loved that smile. The realness of it, not the fake one he gave in pictures, not the one he calls up when he's feeling down. No, Keith fell for the wide grin that radiated pureness.

"Come on, lover-boy." Keith said, grabbing his own jacket from the peg.

"Wait!" He cried. Keith turned. "Your jacket doesn't go with your outfit, wear this one." Lance said, holding out a plain black zip up.

"God, you're annoying." Keith complained, switching jackets.

"Yeah, but you still love me." He sang, pulling Keith out of the door.

Keith laughed as Lance excitedly pulled him down the stairs and out onto the sidewalk. Lance held Keith's hand, drawing circles on the back of it. Keith smiled softly. Lance was too good to him. He hardly disappointed and was so fun loving and outrageous he brought out the little bit of Lance in Keith.

"Seven o'clock, Lance." Keith said, looking up from his plate.

"Oh shit, is it time?"

"Not quite. It's six thirty, but we might want to hurry up."

Lance nodded and started to shovel food down his throat.

Keith laughed. "Don't choke."

Lance rolled his eyes, and in a very bad impression of T'Challa, he said, "I never choke."

"You did last night."

Lance spluttered and coughed on his mashed potatoes. "Did you- did you just- _did you just make a dick joke?_ "

Keith laughed at how shook Lance was, making him go even higher.

"You did! Oh my god, miracles do happen."

"Shut up and eat your food."

Lance continued to flip out, but slightly less obviously. He shook his head and muttered, "Keith made a dick joke. He said it."

"Come on, let's go pay." Keith said after he had finished overreacting.

The theatre was just across the street, and a small line of people were waiting to get their tickets. "Ready for stale popcorn and low-quality butter?" Lance asked.

"I like move theater popcorn," Keith said, confused.

"Dear Lord, who am I dating?" Lance asked, mocking prayer.

"Shut up," Keith sassed. "It's our turn."

Paying for their tickets, they got two medium popcorns.

"Keith, if you put any more butter and salt on that you'll have a heart attack." Lance said, watching as Keith poured more butter and loaded on more salt.

"This isn't even a lot. Shiro puts more on."

"Yeah, well, then you both have a death wish." Lance said. "We can literally come back out for more, chill."

"Whatever, let's go in."

Lance took Keith's hand and walked with him to theater 2. The lights were just going out as they sat down somewhere in the back. A preview for Mothman 3, some trivia, and a few more local commercials. Keith could feel Lance getting distracted.

"Why are theaters so cold?" Keith complained, shivering in his jacket. "I swear they amp up the ac."

"Here, I like it." Lance said, taking off his jacket.

"I'm fine, Lance, keep your jacket on," Keith started.

"No, it's okay," Lance said, giving Keith the jacket.

Blushing, Keith put it on. Lance was taller than him, and Keith looked at the too long sleeves and hood. He smiled slightly, leaning his head on Lance's shoulder. "Happy one year, babe."

Lance smiled, fingers lacing themselves in Keith's. "Happy one year."

Keith lifted his head when the movie started. The THX sound echoed through the theater, reminding Keith of all the movie marathons he and Lance have had over the past year.

The movie was boring. Girl gets bullied, is in a distracted home, decides to end her life and take down her place of torment. Keith mostly watched Lance. He didn't care about the movie, it was all clichéd. Lance, however, wasn't. His reactions varied from trying not to laugh, to sympathy, to empathy, to sadness, then back to trying to bite back laughter. He was perfect, and Keith couldn't have been more happy knowing that this was just the first year.

"Hey, I'm getting more butter and salt." Keith leaned in and whispered.

Lance raised his eyebrows.

"I literally have plain popcorn. I'll be back." Keith said saltily.

"Don't have a heart attack." Lance whispered back, shit eating grin on his face.

Keith scoffed, but went out of the theater as quietly as he could. He passed someone with a thick, winter coat on, who was going to his theater. Again, he was thankful for Lance and how he had given Keith his jacket to borrow.

 _Don't have a heart attack._ Lance's words echoed in Keith's head. Of course, he thought of the perfect thing to say now that he was out here by the popcorn butter machine.

Before Keith could press the button, he heard screams from the back of the theater. His heart sped up. Was it just the movie? No, jump scares wouldn't have such length to the screams. He dropped his popcorn, running towards the theater. _Lance._

Time slowed down as the blast went off. He was thrown back, a sound so impossibly loud that it wasn't there at all. He heard, or rather felt, walls being blown out, the theater collapsing.

And just like that, it was over. He was sprawled on the hallway floor with the now dry wall dust covered carpet from the 80's. A section of wall was over him, forming a large, scary lean-to out of concrete bricks. He gasped for breath, pulling the sleeve of Lance's jacket over his mouth and nose.

 _Lance!_ Keith got to his feel, eyes watering. He felt something hot trickling down the side of his face but didn't even wipe it off. He had to make sure Lance was okay. Fear settled in his gut and started turning it cold and hard. Turning over the concrete he could, Keith stumbled through the wreckage, calling out to Lance, hoping against hope there was a response. Again, and again he turned, hoping to see something, anything to confirm Lance was alive.

Rescue teams had been alerted- he faintly heard the sirens. He scrabbled through the flaming wreckage, hoping to find some evidence of his boyfriend.

After what seemed like hours, he came upon the back wall, or rather the remains of the back wall, of the theater. He looked, finding the row they had been in just ten minutes ago, holding hands. Heaving a seared chair, he found him.

"No," Keith muttered, eyes widening. "No, no, no!" He started to scream, hugging Lance's limp form, eyes staring ahead, look of surprise and fear permanently etched on his face. Unwelcome memories flashed through Keith's mind. Their first kiss at Veradero beach. Lance teaching him how to surf. Laughing at Lance's drunken words. Comforting him when his father died. Lance was so alive, so full of joy, he wasn't- he couldn't be-

Keith howled into the night, cry mixing with the sirens. He couldn't stop, he sobbed into Lance's shirt, wishing, hoping, _daring_ him to not be gone, to insult his hair or fashion. Just, please, do anything besides be gone. He didn't even know what was happening, he only knew that maybe, if he said the right thing, if he cried enough tears, that Lance's would wake up, laugh it off, kiss him just one more time.

He didn't know how long he had been there, begging, screaming until he lost his voice, then just muttering the desperate whispers of a man in mourning.

Faintly, he heard someone asking him to please let go of the body. "He's- he's not dead," Keith muttered, grip tightening.

"Sir, please, let go of him." Someone said again.

"Keith, it's okay." An impossibly soft voice said. Keith whipped his head around so fast he cracked his neck.

"Okay, Shiro? This is okay? Lance is- he- he's not." Keith finished weakly. New, silent tears fell down Keith's dirty cheeks. He felt himself shake, keeping in the screams he so desperately wanted to let go.

Someone took Lance from Keith's arms. "W- wait!" He protested weakly. "He's not- he's not gone! He- he isn't dead!" Keith lunged after Lance, but Shiro held him back. Keith broke down, wishing for nothing more then to be next to Lance one last time.


	2. Chapter 2

_We all are stranger creatures than when we all started out as kids. Culture forbid._

The paladins were going to stay on Earth for a while, learning about this new Altean. This gave time for them to chill. Sure, they'd train, and they would strengthen diplomatic connections, but it seems like the Galran threat was gone.

They mourned the lost, and honor ceremonies were given to them, awards and medals for their bravery. Lance let his little relatives put on the badges, laughing as they went around, pretending to use a blaster. He remembered being that young, only five or six, and he would also play games like that, his dad looking on and laughing. His grin widened. These guys were the best.

"Lance, what's this?" Joseph asked, picking up Lance's bayard. He hadn't explained it yet, because, after all, there had been a lot going on with cerimonies and recovering.

"This, is my bayard." Lance said with a flair of drama. "It's my weapon. It's different for everybody."

"Cool! How does it work?"

"Honestly, I don't know. Something about Altean alchemy. You'd have to ask Coran. It might take a few minutes to get an answer though." Lance grinned.

"What does it do?" He asked, looking at it.

"It's different for everyone. Some people, like me," He grinned, "have several bayard forms. It doesn't matter which bayard you use, it'll take the same shape."

"How do you know?"

"I originally piloted the Blue Lion. She's pretty great, but Keith left Red to Black, so I got a promotion. Allura took Blue, so I passed on the bayard." He explained.

"What are your bayards?" Marco asked.

Lance grinned. "I have a blaster, sniper rifle, and I got a sword."

The was a chorus of woahs and wows. "Show us!"

"Maybe later. I don't think the nurses would like it very much if I just started activating my bayard."

They pouted, but then moved on. "Tell us space stories!"

Lance smiled. It was good to be home, however different it was.

 _We have romantic fantasies about what dying truly is. Fall off the grid._

"You _died?_ " Veronica gasped. Lance was in the middle of telling her a story.

"Yeah, it's nothing compared to what Shiro went through. He died, was cloned, then his soul was forced into his clone." Lance said hotly.

"Now you're just lying."

"I am not! Anyway, Allura saved me with her crazy Altean magic."

"A lot seems to happen with you and Allura." Veronica said. Lance felt the nudge to open up.

"You're getting sloppy, I felt that one a mile away." He snorted.

Veronica shrugged. "Worth a shot. Are you two dating or…?"

Lance blushed instantly. "Wh- what, no, we're just friends. Besides, she just got over Lotor."

"Space prince?"

Lance's shoulders tensed ever so slightly. "Yeah. He had us all. He was bad, being Zarkon's son, then he was on our side, then he went insane from quintessence, like Haggar and Zarkon did. It was hard on Allura. She was in love with him, the version he told us." Lance's shoulders fell. "Honestly, I didn't trust him, but I thought it was just my jealousy. He got so close to Allura so quickly, and I had been with her for several months and made less progress. But, my gut was right. He lied to us all, and that put the universe in jeopardy." He shrugged. "We left him in the quintessence field."

"That must've been rough."

Lance laughed. "Understatement of the year."

Veronica studied Lance, noticing how he didn't laugh as long, he didn't make as many jokes. He looked like the same Lance, but the Galra had hardened him into someone almost completely different.

 _We live for the night's décor, it reveals what we dream of._

Lance missed looking up at a night sky. After so many nights and days of being in one, it looked so much better being on the ground. The stars, familiar constellations blinked down at him, a comfort from his childhood.

"Lance? Are you down there?" Keith's voice floated over the little ledge that was washed out by the sea.

Slightly confused, Lance called back, "Yeah, there's a slight lip." He watched as Keith got down and sat beside him. "What's up?"

"I needed to get away from the Garrison and Griffin. He's such an asshole."

Lance smirked. "Didn't you guys fight all the time?"

"Still do." Keith grunted, looking at the moonlight that bounced off the waves.

Lance looked up at the stars. "I wonder how many of these are planets we visited." He wondered aloud.

Keith looked at Lance, then the sky. "I don't know."

Lance fell silent. He stared at the stars, expression content and a bit sad too. He thought of the countless battles, and of how often he wanted to come home, just too look at his stars again. Slowly, he relaxed, leaning into the embankment, letting out a soft sigh. This was his reward for making it through the war.

He didn't notice Keith looking at him, wondering why Lance wasn't trying to pick a fight.

 _I know there's someone at the door. They come for help of this I'm sure._

"You wanna talk about it?" Lance heard Keith ask. He had fallen asleep at the embankment and had just jolted awake. He knew instinctively he was pale and clammy. It happened every time he had a nightmare.

The image of Galran sentries bearing down on him flashed through his mind. He suppressed a shudder. "No, it's fine. I should get home. Don't want them to think I disappeared again," Lance joked, grin obviously forced.

Keith watched as Lance got up and left him alone under the stars on Veradero beach.

 _But do I want to say goodbye to all the glowing eyes?_

Lance walked to his hiding spot. He wasn't even sure if it was there anymore, but it remained intact. Just a tree with a platform in its branches. It was about fifteen feet up, but he had made a small ladder up.

Curling around his knees, he let out a quiet, dry sob. Was he ever going to be free from the Galra? He let the tension slowly leave his body. It'd be fine, he was finally home. He could chill sometimes, not fearing an attack any second.

 _I'm holding onto what I know, and what I know I must let go._

Having Keith back after a month of him being gone was weird. Lance didn't really know what to do. Half of him wanted to fight with him, but the other half wanted to drop it. This resulted in some very mixed signals.

"Your hair needs cut," Mrs. Holt said one day as they chilled in the Garrison lounge.

"I've been saying that for months." Lance snorted.

Keith fingered his hair. "I don't know, I kinda like it long."

 _It doesn't look half bad._ Lance thought, but he didn't know how to say that. "It's more of a mullet this way. It's better."

Keith glared.

"But it's so long, just a trim," Mrs. Holt continued. "It'd be so much easier to manage."

"Thanks for the offer, Mrs. Holt, but I think I'll keep it for now." Keith said politely but continued to glare at Lance.

 _But I would rather sing a song, for the eyes to sing along._

Lance was getting used to waking up in his own sweat, visions of towering sentries and cruisers and fighters burnt onto his eyelids. He would silently sneak out of his house, or the Garrison, or where ever he had fell asleep at, and go to his hideout, his guitar in a waterproof case. He'd pull it out and sing softly, relaxing into the music.

For now, he would be safe.

 _We all know somebody who knows somebody's who's doing great._

Lance sat politely as Hunk and Pidge talked about how good it was to be on Earth again, even if they didn't have as advanced of technology. They compared notes as he sat in the background, half listening. They didn't seem to be haunted by the war.

 _We all know people who know people who are flying straight._

"Paladins, we have to continue training with out lions." Allura said. "We can't let our bonds grow stale."

Lance climbed into Red, feeling his impatient and violent nature, but also feeling his protectiveness and fierce love for the other paladins. Especially his paladin, Lance.

Lance missed Blue, for sure, but Red was also great. Red wasn't as chill as Blue. Red wanted Lance to be the best he could be, and so did Blue, but Blue was more maternal about it. Red let Lance make mistakes. When it got out of hand he stepped in. Or fell onto.

They did drills for hours. Red responded well, even occasionally giving Lance tips about his flying form. Red was speedy, so Lance had to take it down a notch. But Red was also temperamental, so when the team got slightly heated at him, Red bristled. Lance soothed him. It was fine. He was fine.

He felt Red questioning how firm his belief was. He knew Red knew he was lying. Red had a direct link with his mind, of course he knew. He knew about the nightmares and the panic attacks and the absolutely, mind numbing, body freezing fear that took him over.

 _But I'll kindly enter into rooms of depression, while ceiling fans and idle hands will take my life again._

By this time, Lance knew he should confide in someone besides his giant mechanical cat. It wasn't getting better on its own, as Lance had hoped. He thought about Hunk or Pidge or Shiro, but none of them seemed right. He wanted to go to his family, but he's been gone for so long and he didn't know if they'd be awake right now. It was… three in the morning.

He huffed. This isn't what he had planned for when they finally came home. Then again, he hadn't planned on being in some sort of stasis for three years. He sighed, just staring at the ceiling. Shark stickers that glow in the dark dotted his ceiling. He remembered naming them when he got them, but by now he forgot the names. All he knew is that one was Hunk, for his best friend.

He heard a soft knock on his door. Who the hell was awake? He considered grabbing his bayard and snatched it from his dresser. He slowly opened the door, bayard up, but not activated.

"Jesus, Lance, I'm not here to kill you." Veronica whispered, entering his room. "Why are you up?"

"I could ask the same thing," he whispered back, putting down the weapon.

"I asked you first." She said, falling into the familiar pattern of their talks.

"What is this, middle school?" Lance scoffed quietly. "I just couldn't sleep."

"Bullshit." She answered. Lance looked up, ready to defend his claim. "You didn't sleep at all last night either. When I came in to check, you weren't even here." She accused. It was true. He had snuck out to his hideout again.

"I don't really want to talk about it." He muttered, looking down. "You should get some rest."

"I'm not going to bed until you tell me what's up."

Lance sat there tired and exasperated. Veronica knew he valued his family's needs over his own personal ones. He also knew she had his best interest at heart. But he really, _really_ didn't want to talk about it.

"You know, you don't have to be Red Paladin, you can just be Lance." She said, her voice concerned and honest.

He felt his shoulders slump. Those words crashed down on him. He suspected Veronica saw through him, and maybe Keith. "Fine. It just seems silly to me. It just a few bad dreams."

"Every night?"

"Most nights. So, I leave with my guitar and just softly play. It's not really a big deal."

Veronica wasn't really convinced. "Okay. Try to get some sleep, okay?" Lance nodded, and she left.

Lance bit his lip. He wanted to tell Veronica everything, like they were kids again. Instead, he found himself texting Keith to meet him at the embankment. He snuck out his window, knowing Veronica wasn't asleep yet, and crept off.

The tide was in, and the water was a few feet below Lance's feet. He figured it would be a few hours until Keith showed up. After all, it was four in the morning.

 _We live for the night's décor, it reveals what we dream of._

"Lance?" Keith called. Lance blinked and sat up. Keith jumped off the embankment and sat down. "It's four in the morning, why are you up?" Lance felt Keith studying his reaction.

Lance chose his words very carefully. "I just- uh, I haven't been sleeping well, and you're the team leader, plus, Pidge and Hunk are busy with Garrison tech things, so I-" He broke off, knowing he had started to ramble.

"Nightmares?" Keith asked quietly.

Lance bit his lip and nodded. "How'd you know?"

"I had the same problem. When the Blade showed up and showed their symbol, I realized I might be part Galra, and I was terrified. I had nightmares about it. It made me moodier and more irritable." Keith said.

Lance hung his head. "I don't really hate your mullet." He muttered.

Keith raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"I don't actually hate your mullet." He said a little louder, head almost between his knees. He felt his face heat up. "I hated how you were better. I was kind of jealous. Griffin was your rival, not me."

"I was always confused about why you'd make fun of my hair and purposely press my buttons."

Lance looked up at the now waning moon. It was funny how the night air and sky seemed to strip you away until you were left naked, nothing left but your true self. "Yeah I was just extremely jealous. You could fly great, you never had to study, you picked fights when I probably would have cried."

Keith looked at Lance, obviously confused as to why Lance was opening up to him. "I didn't like getting into fights. People just said the wrong stuff." He paused. "Those people were assholes." Keith didn't like how sad it was getting. Lance was the happy-go-lucky guy on the team, being sad didn't look right on him.

Lance laughed half-heartedly, then looked at Keith. "I want to show you something." He decided, getting up. He went down the beach until he found his gnarled tree.

 _I know there's someone at the door they come for help of this I'm sure._

 _But do I want to say goodbye to all the glowing eyes?_

Lance heaved up onto the platform, waiting for Keith.

"What is this?"

"This," Lance said with a flair of pride and drama, "is my Quiet Place. When I come here, I just chill. It's not exactly a panic room, but it's close."

"Why are you showing me this?" Keith asked, looking at the carvings on the trunks and the floor.

"Well, you're our leader, and there's really no one else right now…" Lance bit his tongue. He wasn't thinking when he brought Keith here.

 _I'm holding onto what I know and what I know I must let go._

 _But I would rather sing a song for the eyes to sing along._

"Lance?" Keith asked softly. "Do you- do you want to talk about it?"

Lance shrugged, rubbing his arm. He sat down, motioning for Keith to do the same. It was kind of cramped, but Lance got out his guitar. "So, when I come up here, I just sort of play until lyrics come to me." He tuned it. "And since we've been home, I've written all of these." Lance brought out a stack of sheet music. "This is seven songs, and it takes a few days, generally, to write one. They aren't very good." He added, watching Keith as he read them.

Lance started to play one of his favorites.

 _This room is far too dark for us to stay around._

 _Redemption's not that far and darkness is going down._

Keith listened to the minor key cords and the lyrics that seemed to come effortlessly. The more he listened, the better he understood what Lance was going through. Almost impeccably, it molds into a different song. It was slightly more depressing, Lance strumming harder and more passionately. Keith listened, Lance's singing just as soft as before, barely escalating over the guitar.

 _This room is far too dark for us to stay around._

 _Redemption's not that far and darkness is going down._

Keith wanted to interrupt but wanted to hear the rest of the song. Lance didn't seem to remember Keith was there as he kept playing, getting louder and more passionate, until he stopped, with a slow, sad strum.

Lance didn't look up.

"Lance, do you- you want to talk?" He asked softly.

Lance shook his head no. He slowly put the guitar away then hugged himself, refusing to look up. He took a shuddering breath. "I- I don't understand," He started, voice congested and full of sorrow. "I don't understand why after- after everything we've done, I breakdown when we're safe."

"Lance-"

"And it's not like I'm scared!" Lance said, voice stronger, fueled by anger at his own weakness. "I don't understand it! I don't feel scared, I know I'm safe, but there's still this lingering paranoia and I'm just so, _tired_ , of being afraid." He ended it with a contained sob.

"After how long in space, it's okay to feel like this." Keith said without knowing what he was saying. "How many times were we woken up by the alarms blaring, or a rattling explosion when Coran forgot the proximity alarms? We've been through so much. You more. I spent two years on the back of a space whale bonding with my mom." Keith knew Lance knew the stab at humor was weak. Lance hardly laughed. He just sort of jerked, a weak chuckle that sounded more like a sigh. "You aren't going to be alright right away. Just give it time."

"But- what if we don't have time?" Lance chocked out. "There could be an attack from any of the Galra who are fighting for power."

"If you keep focusing on the bad, you lose sight of the good."

Lance's head bobbed, but his lips quivered, holding back tears.

 _I'm holding onto what I know and what I know I must let go._

 _But I would rather sing a song for the eyes to sing along._

They sat in silence. Lance wished Keith would say something to get rid of the despair still welling up inside of him, but he knew that wouldn't happen. He had to take action. But he was scared. What would happen? Would he start to sob? Get thrown into another panic attack? Even at the thought he felt his chest constricting. He didn't want to vanish inside a panicked shell in front of Keith.

In front of anyone.

 _La di da da, la di da di da,_

 _La di da da, la di da di da,_

 _La di da da, la di da da, la di da da, la di da._

Time passes. It's natural. But other things don't. Lance didn't recover. He just got better at hiding it. He got worse. Nothing was alright anymore. He just wanted to leave and never come back, or to be in Blue's cockpit one last time. He missed her but respected her decision to block him out. She was, after all, a wise Lion of Voltron, and he was just a silly human trying to keep it together.

 _For the eyes to sing along._

"Lance!" They were calling out his name. He had vanished from the Garrison overnight, leaving a note.

 _Make them stop._

Lance quivered and shook in his tree house, too tired and panicked to play. He bit his lip so hard it bled. His hands were gripped in his hair, tugging at his scalp. They were too loud, they called so, so loud, he couldn't ignore the truths.

 _Make them stop._

"Lance!" Hunk was near tears. Pidge was on his shoulders, hoping to see any sign of him. Keith had gone off on his own. Hunk had lost track of where Allura, Coran, and Veronica had gone. When had this happened? Hours ago? Hunk was going to breakdown.

Pidge realized that. She hopped down from his back. "Hunk look at me." She said. He didn't. "Hunk." She said again, quieter. "We're going to find him, okay?"

Hunk nodded. Still too close to tears for Pidge to feel safe on his shoulders.

Keith had stalked off on his own. He had a suspicion of where Lance was but didn't want to tell the others. That was Lance's call.

Still. Sneaking out at night, while he did it regularly, wasn't good. He had left a note, which really wasn't good. The shaky writing and the panicked message was hard to read, but they went out anyways.

Lance quivered. They had passed right in front of his tree. He felt like he was being chocked. He couldn't breathe. He was sliding out of control. He couldn't control his body, oh God, he was drowning. His hands were fists, but he couldn't feel his fingers. He strangled out a gasp, desperate for air.

 _Make them stop._

Keith stood a bit away from the tree. He could hear Lance strangled breathing. He swallowed. He went forward cautiously.

"Lance?" Lance heard his name from far, far away. He couldn't look up, he could feel his hand or feet, he was going to throw up, God, this isn't good God, please-

Suddenly there was a hand on his back. He flinched. He felt someone wipe the tears off his face. The touch was so unexpected, Lance tried to scoot back, his brain yelling to stop but his body continuing.

His hand slid off the edge of the platform. He strangled a gasp, new, fresh fear washing through him. Arms were around him, keeping him on the platform. He struggled to leave. The arms held fast.

 _The arms of the enemy._ He thought, lungs being crushed. He wasn't getting enough air. He was going to die. He was going to vomit. He was going to die here in the arms of what he's been running from with its smells of man shampoo and leather in his nose.

Men's shampoo and leather? Lance took a shuddering sniff. And sweat? Who smelt like th-

Keith.

Lance froze. He couldn't breathe for a different reason now.

 _Make them stop._

Keith locked his arms around Lance. If he wasn't careful, Lance would end up taking both of them out of the tree. He made small shushing noises, no knowing what to do, or what was wrong. Lance kept pushing away, trying to escape, struggling for breath. He pulled him as close as possible, forming a cage with his arms.

Lance froze. Keith hesitantly released some of the tension in his arms. "Lance?"

Lance said something against his chest that Keith couldn't hear. "What?"

"I'm sorry." His voice was thick. Keith saw how pale he was. This wasn't the Lance that he went up to space with. This was a scared teenager needing comfort.

"Why are you sorry?" Keith asked, shifted so that Lance could be in less danger of falling off.

"Because I'm weak, and pathetic, and I'm just-"

"You're just brave, and funny, and a good friend." Keith cut in.

"How can you say that? You hardly hang around me." His voice was thick and muffled by his shirt, but Keith clearly heard the pain in it.

"Just because I don't hang out with you doesn't mean that stuff isn't true." Keith said, confused about where all this was coming from. "Just look at you and Hunk. You guys are always there for each other."

"Yeah, but he has Pidge now. They have technical junk to work on." Lance sniffed. "I'd just be a third wheel."

"Lance, they enjoy your company. Both of them are out trying to find you."

"Oh, man, I just made them worry more, we should go." Lance pulled back, wiping tears off his face.

"Slow down, don't worry about it. It'll be fine." Keith said. He didn't want Lance to get worked up. Keith could tell he was tired from the panic attack, and no doubt running from the Garrison base to the tree.

"Keith, just- please. I don't want to talk about it." Lance looked away. He could barely think straight. His gay panic and an actual panic attack hadn't been good on his energy, which was already low form countless nights not sleeping. He just wanted to sleep until he didn't like Keith.

Lance could feel Keith trying to sort out what to do. He almost heard the click of the last piece, the decision, falling into place.

"When I was with Krolia on the space whale, we had a big blow up." Keith started. "We were getting a little stir crazy, and there was a really small thing that had escalated far too quickly. We both said some hurtful things. It ended with me yelling that I wished I hadn't found her and storming off with Kosmo." Lance looked at Keith. He was looking into his lap. "I could tell Kosmo didn't like it. I didn't even like it. But I was too stubborn to walk back to my mom and tell her I was sorry. I didn't see the moment was right for me to apologize and did it far too late." Keith looked up. The starts of tears were in his eyes. "I feel like you might be the same way. You apologize way too often, for stuff that isn't even your fault."

Lance shook his head. "Keith, I'm just- so, tired, please," He looked up. It felt like his bones weighed too much for him to support. "I just want to sleep."

Keith paused forever. Lance was terrified he was going to refuse. Then he nodded. "Where?"

The question caught him off guard. "What?"

"Where do you want to sleep? Here, the Garrison, your house?"

Lance was caught off guard by how considerate Keith was being. "I don't want to move." Lance said. "Is it okay if I just, sorta…" He trailed off, too tired to form the sentence. He leaned forward and practically collapsed onto Keith.

Keith rubbed Lance's back, not knowing what to do. Lance sighed, relaxing until he was in the familiar space between awake and asleep. He was half aware of Keith humming, then singing.

" _Make them stop._ "


	3. Chapter 3

"I told you to stay out of it!" Shiro yelled.

Lance took half a step back, betrayal and hurt on his face. Suddenly he was seven again.

"I told you to stay out of it!" Joe yelled, whirling around. Lance had already gotten hit once, and he didn't want to get hit again. "Can't you tell when to leave?" Joe pushed him hard. Lance felt himself falling towards the stairs and squeezed himself into a ball. It didn't make the fall any less painful.

Groaning, Lance pulled himself up painfully. He saw Joe spit at him, then turn away, muttering. Lance didn't understand why Joe hated them so much. Lance did what he asked most times, he wasn't a bad kid, was he? Lance stood, gasping when he felt a sharp pain in his side.

"Go to your room, kid." Joe said, not even turning. He had a foot on Veronica's chest, pressing the breath from her lungs. Lance saw her gasping, clawing at his calf.

"J-just go-o, La-nce," she chocked out, face turning red. Lance saw Joe shift so that more weight was on her chest and the color deepened.

Lance bit his lip, heart conflicting with his brain.

"Beat it." Joe said through gritted teeth.

Lance puffed out his chest, but his quivering lip gave away his true feelings. "No." He whispered.

Joe stopped increasing the pressure on Veronica's chest. "What?" He said, dangerously quiet.

Lance's eyes widened, and he took off, fight or flight stronger than his desire to protect his family. He felt tears of terror starting to escape. He flew through the house, hearing Joe chase him. The door was so close, he could burst outside, screaming for help, sprinting down to the Jones' house.

No such luck. Joe snatched Lance by the hair, yanking him back. Lance yelped, trying to free himself. His then longer hair was entwined in Joe's fingers, forcing him to stand oddly.

Joe yanked Lance's hair, making Lance face him. Lance can't remember what Joe said, but it scared him, terrified him. He felt all the blood drain from his face. He could practically see how pale he was. Joe released Lance's hair, and he dropped, shaking. Faintly, he heard Joe stomp up the stairs to peruse Veronica once more.

Lance forced himself to blink, hard. Joe was gone. He was in space, on the bridge, not seven, cowering on the floor. He took a deep breath, then let it go silently. Shiro looked away, and Lance turned his attention back to Allura. There was a war to be won.


	4. Chapter 4

"We can't hold them!" Pidge said.

"Lance, where are you?"

"On your left, Hunk!"

Lance struggled towards the battle zone, limping. He had already met a dozen sentries and hadn't gotten away uninjured. A shot had grazed his outer thigh, and he had several scratches in his armor. His head felt bubblewrapped, fishbowled. They didn't know he was injured; he didn't want them to worry. The sounds of the battle grew louder as he went on slowly. Rounding a corner, he was the whole scene.

Galra sentries and android fighters were surrounding the others, leaving only Lance able to help. Anger, adrenaline, and a fierce love flowed through him in a deadly mix. He wasn't about to let anyone hurt his friends, his family. He knew he wouldn't get far, so he had to make it count.

With a roar of defiance, he activated his bayard, mowing down the first row. That's all he remembered clearly through the red haze. He had one thought: _don't touch them._

He was hardly aware of blasting through enemy lines, his bayard shifting more rapidly than the other paladins could keep up with. In a matter of minutes, all that was left of the sentries was broken android bodies, hissing with bullet holes and sword slashes.

Panting, Lance looked at the other paladins' dumbstruck faces. "Nobody- _nobody,_ hurts you." He gasped, falling over.

"Lance!" They tripped over the broken Galra sentries.

"I'm- I'm fine," Lance said, sitting up.

"Dude, why didn't you say you were hurt?"

"We were kinda busy with taking down this base, you know." He winced. "It's not important."

Pidge laughed. "You know that you're more important than taking down a base, don't you?" The look on Lance's face answered for him. Her eyes widened in shock.

"Come on, we're getting back to the Castle." Shiro said, taking Lance's arm over his shoulders. Keith grabbed the other one.

"Isn't this a bit off?" Lance said, still trying to push them off. He felt his strength sapping. Even if he did manage to get them to stop carrying him, he doubted he could get very far. He had attained a few more grazes and cuts, causing him to wince every few steps.

By the time they reached the Green lion, Lance doubted he could have stood up straight. The particle barrier was up and surrounded by Galra soldiers. He could feel the dread in his bones, as if it was physically dragging him down. Shiro and Keith gently set him down.

"Don't move," Keith said firmly, knowing that Lance would want to protect them.

"I'm not a dog," He muttered mutinously. He couldn't help wanting to get into the fray and protecting his friends, but he doubted he could even shoot straight.

The pain of not being able to help was worse than his physical pain, which was fading into soft agony. He watched, noticing the shots he could take to protect them, but they were too risky. It made him feel worse. He couldn't help them, he was just being dead weight. He zoned out, pain overtaking easy thought.

"Lance, you still with us?" Shiro asked. Lance opened his eyes as Shiro and Keith bent over to pick him up again.

"Yeah, s'all good." He said, getting lightheaded from the sudden elevation change.

Unconvinced, they got into the Green lion and set off, requesting a pod to be prepared.


	5. Chapter 5

He was drowning in fear, there was nothing left, he was chocking, there wasn't any hope, he had taken the plunge, his tiny oasis of a boat was floating too far above him to break free to. Lance knew it was just an anxiety attack, it would pass, but his body rebelled. It shook, he was filled with fear at nothing, he sobbed, he hit his head against the floor, begging unintelligibly for it to stop.

When it was beginning, he tried to call Hunk, hoping that maybe he could come over and Lance could not get thrown into an attack, but no such luck.

"Lance? Why are you up?" Hunk said groggily.

Lance felt bad for waking him up, but panic was rising higher. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. "Do think that, just- could you talk to me about something?" He hated the quiver that went through his voice.

"What's happening? Why?" Hunk was slowly waking up.

Lance bit his lip. He felt his knees turn to Jell-O. "Uh, nothing, just- please." He slid down his bedroom door. He heard Hunk shifting- probably into a sitting position- through the speaker.

"Uh, so Pidge and I went to James Griffin's house, because she wanted me to see what Pidge and Keith did to the lawn."

"Go on." Lance tried to breathe.

"And we pulled up to the opposite curve, and the entire yard had those pink lawn flamingos and bananas that were nailed in place. The entire yard." Hunk said.

"Oh man, that's gold. Whose idea was it?" Lance asked. This wasn't helping, he felt his chest getting tighter.

"Pidge's. Keith just helped carry it out." Hunk paused. "You know, it was actually kinda beautiful."

Lance forced out a laugh. It felt awful. His hands were shaking. He told them to stop. "Did you catch his reaction?"

"Sadly, no. But I do know why they did it. Apparently, he had some something about how Shiro being gay and how it wasn't respectable for his occupation."

"Isn't he- isn't he a secret mafia man?" Lance panted, struggling to stay with Hunk. He focused more on Hunk's voice.

Hunk laughed, but it was quieted. "Buddy, are you okay? You sound like you're out of breath." The concern in his voice almost passed Lance by. He felt like Hunk was accusing him.

"Yeah- I'm fine. Just- if I don't talk- or if I don't call you back can- can you come over?" Lance asked, forcing his lungs to work, using all his energy to stay afloat.

"Lance, what is going on?" Hunk's voice had taken a tone of urgency.

"Promise me?" He was going to have a full-scale anxiety attack, he couldn't stop it.

"Lance, please, just tell me!"

"Promise?"

Hunk sighed. "Yes. Now, please, tell me! Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine, I- I think." Lance cringed. He hadn't wanted to say that. God he couldn't breathe, his body trembled as if he was outside in the snow rather than home alone.

"What does that mean?" Hunk asked. "Lance?"

Lance breathed in as steadily as he could. "I'll call you back, promise." He forced out. He heard Hunk calling his name as he hung up.

He dropped his phone, curling into himself. Just breathe. It was fine. Nothing was fine. He trembled, trying to keep tears at bay. _What kind of man cries at nothing?_ This man. He shook, his body trying to convulse out of itself and run away from problems that weren't there. He felt nauseous, he cried, he couldn't breathe, he was so cold…

He didn't know how long he sat there, pulling at his hair. A minute? Longer? When suddenly he had to throw up. His eyes snapped open. He couldn't throw up right here. He shakily got up and staggered down the hall, bumping against the walls, just barely making it to the toilet.

Lance couldn't stop. He wished someone was here but also glad no one was. It was bad enough to do this, worse if he had someone's pitying eyes on him. He swallowed, trying to compose himself. It would be over eventually, it was slowing down now-

The attack hit him again full force. The room was too small, his shirt was chocking him, there were hands around his throat, why was there a vise on his chest, why couldn't he breathe, oh God, he was drowning, he couldn't move, he felt brittle. He sobbed into the empty air of the house, no one to hear it. He was alone, always, he felt onto his side, sobbing, banging his head, just wanting it to _stop._

He didn't remember it all. He remembered the pain of sobbing, of his fears, of his chest, and the pounding in his head from banging it against the floor too many times.

Lance sniffed to himself on the floor. He was tired of this. His body rebelling on him, his brain convincing him of lies, his days filled with this vice like grip around him, as if he were carrying the world on his shoulders. He had left his phone in his room. He doubted Hunk wanted to hear about that.

He lifted his hand to the back of his head, where he banged it against the tub. He felt something warm and sticky. He winced at the slight contact. He knew without looking at his hand that he was bleeding. He hoped it wasn't too bad. If Pidge or Keith found out he'd be dead… or worse, his parents.

 _Do it._ He thought suddenly. Lance knew who that was. That was Suicide. He's been knocking for a few months. Lance had watched silently as he kicked down the door and started feeding him poison.

 _Antifreeze in the garage._ He whispered. _I heard it's sweet. And deadly._

Lance got up too fast. When he regained his balance, he walked to his phone. Missed calls scrolled down his lock screen. Hunk, Pidge, Keith, and one from Shiro. Countless message bubbles, from Messenger, Snapchat, Instagram, and Kik spammed his notifications. The message was the same. The same words over and over until they had no meaning. Hunk must've worried and told the others. He felt awful.

 _You should. You're a bad friend._ Suicide whispered. Lance ignored him.

He checked his call history. He hung up at 11:27. It was 12:15. He took a shaky breath. He looked at when the others had called him. All around midnight.

He got another call. Hunk's picture showed up. Lance ignored it. Why was he ignoring it? Shouldn't he pick up, let Hunk know he was okay?

 _Nah, just get into something warmer and go to the garage, it'd be so easy!_

Lance was starting to buy it. What could it do? He'd die, then it'd be out of his hands. No problem.

Hunk's ringing ended. He knew he'd leave a voicemail. Lance would never get to hear it. He put his phone on the charger and got into some okay clothes. Dark grey sweats, his Westerberg High t-shirt, and his favorite jacket. Warm enough for early December.

He opened the door to the back porch. The frosty air chilled him to his bones, making him shiver. The garage was attached to the house, but locked from the inside, so he had to walk across snow salt. He had a feeling in his gut, the feeling of guilt and desperation. He hoped his plans would go through. It would be very embarrassing if he was caught. He wondered if he'd try again after that.

 _In the garage, find the sweet stuff. Now. DO IT!_ Suicide was getting pushy. He told him to chill.

The antifreeze was on the back shelf. He reached up for it and knocked it down. The orange liquid looked like something he shouldn't drink. He picked it up and unscrewed the cap. It smelt awful. His survival instincts told him not to ingest it. Suicide was overpowering it. He closed his eyes and took a few gulps before the impact of what he was doing got to him. He chocked, spitting some out and coughing. Why did he just do that? He was nuts! The sweet taste of the poison was still playing on his tongue.

Headlights sweep the garage doors, and Lance heard Hunk's rattling engine stop. _Shit._ He panicked, throwing the antifreeze into the mess of cardboard boxes and ran inside. He grabbed his phone from upstairs. More texts. These more threatening.

Hunk's signature knock cam from the door. _Knock knock knock-knock knock._ Lance turned to his bedroom door, eyes wide. He didn't want to answer it. Don't answer it.

His feet carried him towards the door. He opened it as Hunk was starting to knock again. "Lance!" He yelped, smothering him in a huge hug. "Dude, why weren't you answering us? We were all so worried! What's wrong? Why is there blood in your hair ohmygodareyouhurt?" He fussed.

"Hunk- can't breathe-" _Again_ Lance silently added.

"Sorry." He released him.

"I'm fine, I just had small panic attack, it's fine." Literally all of that was a lie. He felt bad.

"Fine?" Hunk's voice went up. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Dude, it's fine, it's over, and I'm tired, but I was going to make hot chocolate before you interrupted by almost breaking the door down." Lance joked, grinning. "You should come in, and whoever you brought with you." If Lance knew Hunk at all, he had at least gotten Pidge.

"You better explain to all of us then." He said, then went to get the people he brought.

Lance went to the kitchen to make hot chocolate. He pulled out the milk, cocoa, heavy cream, and marshmallows. He wasn't surprised to see Pidge, but when everyone entered the kitchen Lance was slightly taken aback. Guilt festered in his gut. They had all worried over him.

"What happened?" Pidge demanded, getting onto a counter.

"I had a small panic attack, it's fine." Lance said dismissively.

"You can talk to us, you know. We're here for you." Shiro said, concern displayed prominently by his body language.

"Yeah, I know. It's fine, I haven't had one in a while." Lance lied. Why was it so easy to lie to his friends? He focused back on the hot cocoa. He listened to Hunk fuss over him.

"Do you need an ice pack? Or to wash it out?" Hunk asked. The more he talked about it the more it bothered Lance. The post-attack fatigue was wearing off and the wounds he had inflicted on himself were bothering him more and more.

"Nah, I'm fine. Sorry for not answering, I had just run up for my phone." He always had his phone with him. That seemed like a really big lie. He hoped he'd pulled it off.

"Well, we're glad you're okay." Shiro said, smiling.

Lance let the conversations go on, contributed, and finished the hot cocoa. "How many mallows?" Lance asked, pulling out the bag of minis. He passed it out and sat down at the island with them. The conversation went to Griffin's yard.

"You should have seen it! It looked amazing!" Pidge said, grinning like a maniac. "And we put the bananas in so that the nail was in the top and bottom of the banana. He's going to have a hell of a time getting them out Sunday night."

Keith got up. "Where're you going?" Shiro called after him.

Lance faintly heard him say something about pee and walk off. He sipped his cocoa. The conversation moved around, and Lance didn't follow it too closely. He hoped they left soon, he was getting a headache. He watched his friends with a sense of impending doom. Guilt and anxiety swirled together in his gut, creating dark butterflies above the anchors. He ignored it, ignored the fact that he had chugged literal poison less than an hour ago, and that he was probably going to die in the next 24 hours unless he got medical treatment.

He swallowed. If Lance focused on it too much, he'd end up throwing up again, and this headache was starting to get bad.

"Lance, what the fuck?" Keith yelled, storming into the room.

Shiro stood up. "Language!"

"Do you think _this_ is going to help anything?" He shouted, shaking the jug of antifreeze. Lance paled, the guilt in his gut clenching and swirling like a thousand evil butterflies of torture and mistakes.

Lance hardly heard Hunk asking about what it was. He could just sit there, stuck in a silent staring contest with the furious teen in the kitchen doorway.

"Well?" Keith demanded.

"I'm sorry." Lance whispered.

"Lance, this can ruin your entire life! You could die! What do you think they'd- _we'd_ \- do without you?" Keith was practically snarling. The others were catching on.

"Lance, you wouldn't-"

"Did you…?"

"You think that wasn't the point?" Lance asked quietly, anger at Keith's anger festering just under the surface. "I knew I could die!" He yelled suddenly, standing up, then winced. This headache was getting worse than anticipated.

"Why didn't you just talk about it? You know, instead of chugging engine fluids and hoping that it happens quickly?" Keith screamed.

"Because my problems aren't important! There are kids around here that don't get food! My self-image problems are the least of the worries you could be thinking about!" Lance screamed back. He swallowed thickly. The energy it took to argue with Keith was taxing him.

"Bullshit! You're one of the most important people in this fucking room, and you're saying that your problems don't matter? And you think that taking your life will solve this?"

"Keith, watch you mouth." Shiro said sternly.

"If I'm dead it'll finally be over! You can forget about the stupid kid that made bad jokes and wasn't there when it really mattered!" Lance swayed. He sat down, wishing he hadn't stood.

Keith stood silently, trying to calm down. "This may seem like the only way out, but I can promise you, it's not." He said, the anger still evident in his voice. "If you don't get medical help right now, you're going to die. And I don't think anyone in this room would like that." He said quietly.

"Keith, I'm-" Lance stopped. A wave of exhaustion hit him. He didn't want to fight anymore. He just wanted to lie down and die. "I'm tired. Can we just- do this tomorrow?"

Keith was about to yell when Shiro cut him off. "Lance, if you drank antifreeze, we should really get you to the hospital. I don't think we should wait until tomorrow, especially considering the hospital is over half an hour away."

Lance was aware of everyone's eyes on him. His shoulders sagged. He sighed and muttered a confirmation. He went to stand up and his head spun. He tried to regain his balance but stumbled into Hunk. He heard concerned voices, and felt Hunk supporting him. Lance felt like he was going to be sick.

"Lance? Buddy? You okay?" Hunk asked.

"He drank engine fluid, Hunk, he isn't okay. It's probably starting to run through his body." Lance hear Pidge remark from somewhere off to his right.

"'m gonna throw up," Lance muttered, trying to push off Hunk and get to the sink. He stumbled, almost falling, and made it into the sink. He threw up, groaning. He pressed his forehead to the cold metal of the sink edge. He wasn't aware of Hunk and Shiro hovering at either side of him, ready to get him to the van if he couldn't make it himself.

Hunk rubbed his back. Lance shuddered and threw up again. His throat burned. He didn't think he had anything else to throw up at that point. "That's it, get it all out." Hunk murmured encouragingly. Lance dry heaved, body trying to clean itself of itself. God, Lance was so tired. He felt like he was going to fall asleep where he stood. "Lance, stay awake." Shiro commanded.

"I feel… drunk." Lance said to the sink. His speech was slightly slurred. He wiped his mouth. He learned onto Hunk. "I think I made a _big_ misthake." He said, eyelids fluttering.

"Yeah, damn right you did." Keith said, still pissed.

Lance pouted. "That's mean." He said faintly.

The others shared a look Lance could feel. "Let's get you to a hospital." Shiro said.

Hunk supported Lance while he tried to walk. The floor seemed so far away… like he was a giant… Lance's stomach hurt, and the guilt he had felt wasn't helping. He tried to walk on his own, but his coordination was like he was trying to walk after getting staples in calf. He stumbled, leaning onto Hunk. Hunk was so warm, and squishy, and just perfect for sleeping on…

Lance yawned, blinking rapidly. Shiro had told him to stay awake. He was getting into Hunk's middle seat? Oh yeah, hospital. He just wanted to go to sleep.

"Is antifreeze alcoholic?" Lance muttered, groggily looking at Pidge. "Because I feel really, like, _really,_ drunk."

"That just means you're experiencing early symptoms of antifreeze poisoning." Pidge said dryly, but she was trying not to cry.

"Oh." Lance said. Why wasn't he allowed to go to sleep? It's be so easy… Hunk' wheezy engine and the road rumbling underneath him was so comforting, the comfort of so many road trips with his friends…

Someone was snapping right in front of his face. "Hey." Keith said firmly. "Stay awake." Lance looked over at him. He was really mad, huh? But he was also worried… Lance hated that he'd caused this much pain to his friends. He wished he hadn't invited them in. Then he could've died, and they wouldn't have found out until tomorrow. They'd forget eventually.

He opened his eyes, and by the looks everyone was giving him, he'd said that aloud. He didn't care.

"Lance, you know that we love you, right?" Shiro said carefully. "We wouldn't just forget you like that."

Lance laughed without humor. "I would."

Keith punched his arm. "You're an idiot and a total asshole. Why the hell do you think we came to check up on you tonight? Or why we're taking you to the hospital? Because we care, dipshit!" Keith fumed.

"You show affection in a weird way." Lance muttered.

Keith huffed, then looked out the window. He was trying not to cry. He remembered when his cousin Axca tried to commit suicide. He remembered the blood, the panic, the car ride, the feeling of loss when they thought they were too late.

Lance looked out his window. His head was pounding with the combination of his anxiety attack then the antifreeze. He tried to repress a groan, but Pidge caught it.

"Hey, just hang in there. We'll be there soon. Just- stay awake, okay?" She asked, silently urging this old van to go faster.

Lance just nodded slightly, trying not to move too much. He swallowed, leaning against the cold pane of the window. The cool seeped into his skin, which felt too hot. He shuddered, wanting to throw up again. He closed his eyes against the vibrating pain of glass. His stomach felt like it was in an invisible grip. It was achy, with sharp spike of pain. Lance was so tired, surely a little nap wouldn't hurt…

Shiro shook his shoulder, calling his name. Lance's head dipped then he looked up. "Hmm?" He hummed blearily. The van had shuddered to a stop.

"Come on, we're here." The bright, twinkling lights of the hospital glared down at him. Lance just wanted to stay in here and go to sleep.

He unbuckled his seatbelt and messed with the door handle until he got it open. He stumbled out, leaning onto Hunk, who was waiting for him. After trying to walk a few steps and almost falling, Hunk swept Lance up into his arms. They didn't have time to let him just meander across the parking lot.

Lance stared with half closed eyes. He just wanted to go to sleep, was that too much to ask? He groaned. His head was throbbing. He was aware of the others talking to the receptionist, voices being raised, then lowered, then raised again. He tried to follow the conversation.

"Can you please help, our friend, he just-" Hunk started.

"I'm sorry, but is his family here?" The man interrupted.

"What? No, but he drank-" Pidge picked up.

"Where is his family?" He interjected again.

"Why does it matter?" Keith asked loudly. "He needs medical attention, _now._ "

"If his family is around, I have to ask them, not you guys." He explained.

"His family is out of town, they went to Cuba for a family emergency. Lance was home alone, and he tried to take his life. Can you please get a doctor or a nurse out here?" Shiro said, his voice hard and commanding.

The receptionist agreed and asked them to have a seat while he called the first nurse or doctor he found available.

Fuming, the group sat down. Hunk sat Lance down in a chair, and Lance instinctively leaned on him. Hunk made a great pillow…

A doctor came out with a wheelchair. Lance felt Hunk gently pick him up and set him into the wheelchair. Lance reached out his arm for Hunk as he drew back. The arm fell limp in his lap as the doctors rolled him deeper into the hospital. The last view he got of his friends was them standing together, trying to keep it together.

As soon as the doors swished shut, Hunk broke down. He sat down in their previous chairs, the rest of the group trying to comfort him but also crying.

It was a long night.

Lance returned home the next week. He found a pile of letters and card on his bed from family members and friends. His phone had been blown up with notifications. He looked at them all. The ones from the night he did it and up until just a few moments ago. He sighed, then tossed it down. He closed his eyes and sat on his bed. His mom and Veronica had come home to make sure he didn't try to commit suicide again. He had refused antidepressants or anxiety medications. His mom had respected the choice but wished he could have some help. He agreed to keep a journal, but that was it. He wasn't going to counseling or anything, he'd keep a journal and let her read it at the end of the week, then have a talk every Saturday night.

It wasn't okay yet, but it would be.


	6. Chapter 6

**_Pidge's Lance haha im evil. enjoy!_**

 ** _Blood and slight gore. As per ususal. Plance._**

The lance speared all the way through the small body, pinning her to the ground. She chocked, coughing up blood and spluttering in pain.

"Pidge!" Lance screamed, pain ravaging his voice. He stood in front of her, keeping droids and sentries at bay. "Pidge, stay with me, please!" Tears slowly leaked down his cheeks.

Pidge didn't feel anything but also felt everything. The spear-like weapon had gone all the way through her. She knew she was pinned. Her entire body was on fire but freezing and in so much agony. She couldn't think, just breathe, just hang on…

She heard sounds of a battle, but she couldn't pick out anything to make her realize that. Lance? She heard Lance. He was calling her name. She panted. God, her stomach hurt, she couldn't breathe, she was fading in and out. So this was dying… it was painful and had a metallic taste.

"Pidge, please, don't give up." Lance pleaded, still mowing down the fighters. He was going to be overtaken, he couldn't protect her, it was going to be over.

Lance heard the telltale yell of Keith somewhere to his right. Keith, Allura, and Hunk had joined the fight. He could go to Pidge.

"Pidge, please, God, Pidge, can you hear me?" Lance said, trying to keep it at least a little bit together. "Don't- don't leave me, please." He choked on a sob.

Pidge put a hand on Lance's knee. "Lance…" She croaked, tears in her eyes. "I- I love you." She whispered, pent up sobs racking her body along with pain.

"No, please, we can- we'll get you in a pod, and we can- we'll get you patched up, you just have to hang on." Lance said, holding back tears, he put his hands around the shaft of the lance, trying to stop some of the bleeding. She was going delirious.

"I- ironic, isn't it?" She said, her breathing uneven and painful. "To be killed by- by a la- ance." She broke off coughing.

"Pidge, please, don't give up," Lance said, voice thick and tears coming faster now.

"The- the very thing I love…" She continued as if he hadn't spoken.

"Lance! What're you…" Hunk's voice trailed off. "Oh no." He leaned against a well, throwing up.

"We have to get her to the pods." Keith ordered.

"Coran, get a pod ready, now." Allura said, stopping in her tracks.

Lance barely heard them. He held Pidge's hand, pleading with her. He softly cried, pleading with her to just hold on, be strong, _please-_

"Lance, Coran has the pod ready. We have to get her out of here."

"Don't remove the spear. It'll make her bleed more freely. We need something to staunch it." Hunk said.

Lance hardly heard them. All he could think was _Please don't leave me._

"I might be able to help." Allura said tentatively. Lance looked up at her. She was surprised by the redness of his eyes and face. She had never seen a human, much less Lance, cry before. Lance nodded, barely moving.

Pidge lay there, suffering as quietly as she could. She was aware of holding Lance's hand, grip as tight as she dared. If she didn't let go of Lance, she'd live, she'd be alive.

Lance moved, and a shiver of panic went down her spine. Was he leaving her? No, he was just moving over. She felt other hands around the wound. She shuddered and opened her eyes, seeing Allura's jeweled irises reflecting her scared face back.

"Pidge, this might hurt a little bit." Allura warned. Pidge heard her faintly. What could hurt more than this? Pidge heard a short argument ending with Allura's hand around the shaft again.

Something happened. Pidge's brain couldn't keep up with the list of pains. She screamed, stomach engulfed in pain, then nothing. She panted, now only feeling her minor injuries. Someone gently removing the weapon. She let herself fall into a half-asleep state, not listening to what was going on around her.

"We need to go, before she loses too much blood." Keith said. Lance nodded and picked up her small body. She hardly made a sound.

Lance went as fast as he could without jostling her too much. The pods were so far, why couldn't they be closer to the doors?

Pidge's face was grey and pasty. Lance could see the sweat beaded on her face. He kept trying to murmur encouragement but couldn't seem to swallow a lump in his throat. She looked so small in his arms. Like a bird with a broken wing, she was fragile, and the glow of her life was fading fast. He hardly heard the others following him, didn't hear them giving him encouragement. He could only hear Pidge's fading breath, he could feel her faint and erratic heartbeat under his fingers, could only see the soul of the one he loved fading, and he- he hadn't even gotten to confess.

She was almost gone, and his heart was breaking. He rushed into the pod room, now only caring about saving the life in his arms.

Coran took Pidge and quickly unclasped the armor as if he had done this millions of times, which he probably had. He didn't seem affected by the gaping hole in Pidge's abdomen. Lance stood there, watching him taking the armor off and then pulling a curtain up and asking Allura to put on the Pod Suit. The world seemed to whirl around Lance. He watched silently as Allura emerged. Did she look greyer in the white suit? Lance watched as she was carefully placed in a pod, as Coran punched in the settings, as the glass darkened with its activation of whatever it used to heal people.

He didn't know how long he stood there, staring at the cold, dark pod.

"Buddy? You okay?" Hunk asked, coming into the pod room in his normal clothes. "You haven't changed out of your armor?" He asked, concern written on his face and sounding into his words.

Lance looked down, mildly surprised to see his bloody paladin armor still on. "Yeah, guess I should…" He vaguely gestured out of the room, and walked away, taking off his armor in a haze. His clothes were lying warmed in the hamper. He pulled them on and meandered back to the pod room, sitting beside Pidge's pod. He didn't now how long had passes. He stayed up forever, it seemed, staring at the dry blood on his hands from where it soaked through his gloves. He didn't notice when Hunk came in again with a plate of some amazing food he had made. He felt Hunk hug him from the side and rub his shoulder, but he didn't actually feel it. Everything was surreal. He didn't understand what Hunk was saying. He tried to focus.

"…get you cleaned up?" Hunk asked softly. "I bet you're hungry."

Lance shook his head. Hunk sighed and got up, offering his hand. Lance looked at it, then at Hunk.

"I don't care what you say, you're getting a shower." Hunk said, pulling Lance up and pulling him towards the communal showers. He gave Lance a small push, and suddenly he was in the bathroom.

Lance blinked a few times. Shower. Okay. He did it mechanically. He toweled off and got redressed. He couldn't seem to function. He just thought about Pidge, in the pod and alone. He knew she wasn't going to wake up anytime soon, but he felt wrong not being there. He walked out of the bathroom in the same daze.

Lance ended up back in the pod room. Keith found him this time.

"Lance, its late. What are still doing up?" He asked, sitting down.

Lance shrugged.

Keith furrowed his eyebrows. Hunk had said Lance wasn't himself but having him this quiet was so drastically wrong. He was hardly responding. Keith would bet Lance wouldn't have moved from his original spot if Hunk hadn't gotten him. There was a plate of untouched food between them.

Keith watched as Lance slowly felt the physical strain of the battle a few hours previous. He watched as Lance slowly fell asleep against the pod. He got up and grabbed a blanket. He wrapped it around the slender shoulders of the slumbering boy. He took the food and left to the commissary.

Lance woke up not remembering falling asleep, or even waking up. One minute, he was awake with Keith there, the next, he was leaning against the pod with a blanket around his shoulders. Coran was in there, being as quiet as he could.

"Oh, Lance, your up! Sorry if I woke you." He said, voice ever chipper. "Hunk made breakfast. Something called scrummaged eggs? Didn't know if you'd want any."

Lance shook his head no. He tugged the blanket around his shoulders. Pidge was still in the pod. He didn't feel like moving. So, he sat there and stared at the floor.

Coran finished and left. Allura and Hunk both checked on him, Allura under the presumption of checking on how long Pidge had left and how her vitals were and Hunk to bring him some food and a glass of water.

Lance drank half the glass of water. He didn't touch the food. Coran came in again and informed Lance that Pidge was be right as rice in two quintants.

"Right as rain," Lance muttered, correcting Coran's flawed Earthen expression.

"Yeah, what'd I say?" He asked.

Lance didn't really respond, he just gave a weak chuckle as to not hurt Coran's feelings. He knew Coran purposely said the expression wrong. He simply watched the floor again.

Hunk had a theory about what was up with Lance. He had seen him get like this when his dad had left for the army, and the family was informed he wasn't coming home. He shut down. No eating, no drinking, just sitting and staring, 'lost in a blank room,' as Lance had said later. Lance admitted that he had blocked the emotions, as if the room was a cell. Hunk didn't want to let Lance get that lost in the room again.

Hunk walked into the pod bay with another plate of food and determination. "Hey, buddy. I have your favorite. Garlic knots." Hunk said.

Lance looked at the knots. He looked at Hunk, raising an eyebrow.

Hunk shrugged. "Pulled a few strings. They're from Earth."

He watched with no small satisfaction as Lance took one and popped it into his mouth. Hunk could see the tenseness fade from his shoulders as he savored the buttery-garlic taste of the bread.

"Thanks." He said, giving a small smile.

Hunk's heart hurt. Lance looked so sad already, he didn't know if he wanted to open the door out of that room. But he knew that he didn't want Lance to break down when Pidge got out of the pod.

"So, uh, what's been going on lately?" He asked, trying to work up to the topic.

Lance heaved a sigh. "I- we almost lost Pidge, Hunk. I was supposed to be covering her. I- I failed her, Hunk. And- and she almost died. How could- how can-" Lance broke off. "How can I forgive myself for that?"

Hunk put his arm around Lance's shoulders, rubbing his arm. When Hunk didn't say anything, Lance continued.

"I just- Hunk, how could I? There's just so much Pidge does for us and she means so much and I hurt her. I wasn't fast enough. And, the worst thing is, it was a _lance_ , Hunk. A fucking lance. It couldn't have been a spear or a harpoon or something. Now I also metaphorically hurt her! What if she had died because of me? What if- what if-" Lance broke off, voice catching on a lump in his throat. He felt hot tears start to blaze a trail down his face. "What if I love her, Hunk? What if I love her and I almost got her killed?" He shook. "She's so funny, and smart, and I don't know if I could live without her. She- she means the world to me, and now she-" Lance couldn't finish. The hurt and anger and anguish he's been blocking out hit him. He hid his face in his hands, not trying to contain himself anymore.

"It's okay, just get it out." Hunk comforted, rubbing his back. It hurt Hunk to see Lance like this, but it was better than him not talking at all.

Lance tried to reel it back in. "I'm sorry, Pidge is just so important to us, you know?"

Hunk nodded. "Is there anything else you wanna talk about, then see for some scrambled eggs?"

Lance hesitantly nodded. "Hunk, I- I think I love her."

One pep talk from Hunk and food goo from Coran, Lance moved. Granted, it wasn't much. He was still in the pod bay and he refused to leave it for more than an hour, but he wasn't fused to his one spot.

Hunk had brought in blankets, and Lance had taken them and made a makeshift bed. He had passed out inside not long after. Hunk put another blanket over him. Lance had slept 5 hours in the last two days, and Hunk wasn't going to let anyone wake him up so soon.

After about 6 hours of fitful sleep, Lance jolted awake. He had had some nightmare, but he couldn't remember what it was. He felt his shirt sticking to his back and noticed his panting breathes.

Hunk came by shortly after, giving Lance a breakfast muffin and asking him about his dream.

Lance shrugged, taking the wrapper off the muffin. Hunk withheld a sigh. After last night, he wasn't talking still. He had gotten some stuff off of his chest, and Hunk had the feeling Lance wouldn't be okay until Pidge was out. Hunk resigned himself to it and took Lance to the shower. At least he was more aware now.

Hunk watched from afar as Lance curled in on himself more, hardly talking, hardly eating still, but drinking the hydration pouches Allura and Coran brought him.

Lance watched as the glass cleared of frost slowly, showing a cold, frozen Pidge just behind the glass. Lance's heart hurt looking at her. She was so small and fragile in there, Lance wanted to get her out and warm her up and never let her out of his sight.

He was reminded that she would be out in another day. Hunk kept stopping by and making sure he was drinking and trying to get him to eat. He saw Lance slowly retreating back into himself, and he wouldn't let him. He kept conversation going and made him eat something.

That day was the longest. Lance didn't sleep well that night, he kept waking up from dreams where he hadn't been fast enough. He woke up at least twice, shaking and quietly crying. The day after that wasn't much easier. He didn't feel like eating, or drinking. He just sat in his nest and watched as Pidge slowly became clearer and clearer through the blue tinted glass.

Lance hardly noticed the others slowly join him as she was supposed to come out of the pod. Nerves shocked through Lance. What if she was mad at him? Disappointed? What if she didn't want to talk to him?

Lance shook his head, trying to clear those thoughts. Get her a warm blanket, the pods leave you cold inside. He grabbed on from the warmer and unfolded it.

"Just a few more ticks." Coran said, watching to vitals. Lance's stomach seemed to want to collapse on itself.

 _Whoosh!_ The pod opened up and Pidge fell out. Lance caught her in the blanket. She shuddered, and a wave of relief went through Lance. She was okay. He wrapped her up in the blanket and sat down with her.

Pidge felt like she was falling, then she felt arms around her and a soft, warm blanket. She furrowed her brows. Where was she? She blinked her eyes open and saw Lance's concerned face above her. She smiled softly. She gave a small hum of hello. The blanket and Lance were slowly warming her up. She slowly woke up, aware of what was happening around her. There was a soft flurry of activity. She heard Coran talking in some Altean medical jargon. Allura was talking with him and saying something else. But she kept focusing on Lance.

"How long was I in there?" She asked quietly, so that Lance could hear but not really any one else.

"About four days." Lance replied, just as quiet. His voice was thick. Pidge squinted. She couldn't see that well without her glasses anymore. Lance, seemingly reading her mind, picked up her glasses and put them on her. The room blurred into focus. She closed her eyes for a few moments, savoring the warmth of the blanket. She felt something wet hit her forehead.

She opened her eyes. Lance was wiping away a few tears. "Why are you crying?" She asked, sitting up. "Am I hurting you?" She moved to get off of Lance's legs, but he pulled her into a tight hug, then released her as if she had shocked him.

"Sorry, I know you don't like hugs, but-" Lance was cut off by Pidge hugging him. He wrapped his lanky arms around her. "I was worried about you." He said into her hair.

"Hunk, come here." Pidge hissed out of her door. Hunk 'snuck' into her room, meaning he acted sneaky but made it totally obvious. "Tell me what happened."

Hunk looked like he wanted to run. He sighed and hung his head, then sat down on her bed. "So, how far do you remember?"

"Getting impaled, Allura doing something, then getting carried. That's it." The look in her eyes was scaring Hunk. "I have to know what happened."

Hunk swallowed. "Well… Allura had done some of her Altean magic stuff to help ease your pain, and we got the lance out. Lance picked you up and carried you to the pods. Coran and Allura got you into one, and most of us went off to get out of our armor and pass out after the battle. I had checked in on Lance a few hours later and he was still in the same spot we had left him in." Hunk paused and studied the small girls face. She looked confused. "He hardly left your side. He probably would've stood there until he collapsed if I hadn't taken him to get his armor off."

Pidge suddenly didn't want to know everything. Had Lance really been that worried? "What did everyone else do?"

"The Castle has been docked on the planet we freed, and we've been helping them rebuild and establishing connections with each government." Hunk said. "Coran has been repairing the Castle, and I've been helping. I know that Keith and Shiro have be helping with the town people, but besides that, I've been cooking a lot, so we have lots of leftovers." Hunk blushed a little. "I got some Earth cooking supplies, like flour and stuff. There's a batch of peanut butter cookies with your name on it." Hunk enticed. "They're actually brown."

Pidge snorted. She walked to the kitchen with Hunk, talking about the tech of this planet.

Pidge stared at the slightly puckered scar right above her belly had caught her off guard when she was changing into her pajamas. She looked at it and placed her hand over it. It was smaller than her palm, but larger than a quarter.

Someone knocked on the door. Pidge tugged her shirt down and opened the door.

Lance was in Red Lion slippers, a t-shirt, and shorts. "Hey, can I come in?"

He seemed sad. Pidge nodded and moved. "Sorry, it's a bit of a wreck." She said, picking up some dirty laundry and throwing into the hamper. "What's up?" She asked.

Lance found a spot on the bed and sat down. "How are you feeling?"

Pidge quirked an eyebrow, thinking about what Hunk had said earlier. "A little tired, still a little cold. Why?"

"I just- I was-" Lance sighed. It wasn't as easy as he'd thought it would be. "When you were in the pod, I was terrified of- of something going wrong. And I just- I'm sorry that I wasn't fast enough or strong enough to protect you." He said, looking at his hands.

"Lance, what are you talking about?" Pidge asked, bewildered.

"It's my fault. I was supposed to be covering you, and I failed. You were in that pod for four days. What if we didn't have magic, Altean haling pods? You'd- you'd be dead, and it would've been my fault."

Pidge stared. "Is this because it was a lance?" She asked, humor hinted in her voice.

"That was just cruel irony!" Lance said looking up. Pidge was surprised to see his eyes red. "We went on that mission to gather information and I was confident I could cover you while you got it. I didn't do my job. There were so many sentries I didn't notice him and then-" Lance broke off and looked down again. "I failed you. And I'm sorry."

Pidge sat down on the bed. "Lance. Hey. Look at me." He looked over. "Do you remember me telling you that I loved you?"

"I thought you were delirious with pain?" Lance asked, barely letting himself hope. Did she really…?

"Nope." She said, popping the p. She watched Lance with fear at the rejection she was inevitably going to get.

Lance laughed right out. Pidge knew this would happen. "You love me back?"

Her head snapped up. "Wait, you like me?"

"Yeah! Why else would I get that worried?" He said, getting serious again. "Pidge, I think that you're really, funny, smart, and way too good for an idiot like me. But- will you be the earth to my water?"

Pidge smiled and hugged him. "Of course." She savored the warmth. "Did Allura help you?"

"Yeah."

 _ **I had to end it lightly. I love me some plance.**_

 _ **Okay so ive been writing a lot of plance and i think ive finally watered it. but. theres mroe to come, as well as klance. s8 was a wild ride and im not fucking happy with it.**_


	7. Chapter 6-5 (Fluff)

_**I know you dont expect fluff from me but hey i gave a stab at it and here it is. I figured a little bit of fluff wouldn't hurt, since i need to broaden my horizons. Enjoy Klance!**_

Being locked in a room with Keith left Lance no choice. Mostly because everyone on the Castle was in on it. Even Hunk. He wasn't allowed to leave this room until he confessed to Keith. And he had no idea how to get it through to him. It's been five minutes of just pure silence.

Keith sat in the corner, messing around with his gloves. Those stupid fucking gloves.

Lance could practically feel the stares of the others through the camera that was bound to be set up in there. He took a deep breath. "Hey Keith." He sat beside him, leaning against him. "You're the yeet to my this bitch empty."

Keith looked at him. "What?" He asked, confused.

"You are Rihanna to my Eminem." He tried again.

Keith just looked more confused. "What are you talking about?"

Lance wasn't going to give up. "You must be forged by Sauron, because you're my precious."

"Are you okay?"

Lance was also getting frustrated. Why didn't Keith get it? He was using some great material! "You must be kryptonite, because I'm weak at the knees." Lance said.

"Lance, what the fuck are you talking about?" Keith looked slightly worried. "Did you hit your head or something?"

Lance was going to give up soon. Keith was hopeless! He looked towards the door, still firmly locked. He sighed internally. "Keith, you gotta be kidding me. You're the cat's meow, the dog's bone, the money to my Mr. Krabs." Lance said, sitting up.

The intensity of his eyes worried Keith more. "What the fuck?" Keith softly whispered.

Lance sighed. Drastic times called for drastic measures. "You're the yee to my haw, Keith." Lance said, putting his face in his hands.

Keith's face lit up bright red. "Do- do you mean that?"

"What the quiznak do you think I've been saying?" Lance said, his face equally red. "That I've been spewing random stuff?"

Keith gave a small shrug.

"Unbelievable!" Lance got up. "I've been using some _great_ pickup lines! Do you know nothing about pop culture?" Lance didn't even wait for an answer. "Jesus Christ, who have I fallen in love with?" He ended dramatically, 'collapsing' onto the floor.

"If it makes you feel better, I like you too." Keith said from his corner.

Lance just groaned, "You don't even know _Vine!_ "

Shiro opened the door. "You can come out now."

Keith looked at Shiro. "I think I killed him." He got up and examined Lance, who was covering his face and lamenting Keith's lack of knowledge about pop culture.

"How can't you know Vine? Or even Superman? It's quiznaking Superman! Everyone knows that!" He said, uncovering his face too look at Keith. "What even are you?"

Keith looked down at him, then smirked. "Your boyfriend."

Lance looked as if he had just been shocked. He got up, slipping on the metal floor. "Wh- wait! Keith! _Keith!"_ He spluttered, chasing after him.

Hunk and Pidge high-fived as they watched Lance chase Keith down the hall.


End file.
